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| March 7, 2012 WOW~ I didn't realize it had been this long since I had posted! I think about Sydney all the time, and I am constantly thinking about what to post here, but I dont want to post without prayerfully thinking about it. I am sorry it has been so long, but I have a little something to say :) Let's start with am update- I have niece who for the most part is a healthy happy baby girl! Delainey Harper Critzer joined our family in September 2011 and it changed my whole family! She is such a blessing to us- especially to Shannan and Jeff who so patiently waited on the Lord's timing for her to make her appearance! Its bittersweet for me, and I think for my whole family. I have called her Sydney at least a handful of times and I know Shannan and my mom have too. Its definitely weird, but she is the most amazing little girl, and Aunt Lindsay is already spoiling her like crazy. Good or Bad I am planning on continuing with that!! 
My job is going well. I am working from home and that continues to be a struggle for me. I love my job, I love working from home and the flexibility that provides when needed, but being the social person I am, not having that office setting and social interaction is tough. I am still working on that and try to adjust and accommodate other ways with meeting friends for dinner and lunch when I can... but it's still a learning process for me. Lindsay with not a lot of social interaction is not a good thing! Other than that, I am doing okay. I moved into a townhouse in October 2011. I love living alone again- however, given what I stated above, not having anyone else around can be tough.... but it is nice to have my space and nice to have a place that is mine. Aside from work, I go to the gym, I play with Delainey, and I am trying to travel when I can! Things are overall going well. I still have good days and bad days, and sometimes I think I shouldn't still be having bad days after this long. I think I have a lot more time now, living alone and all, to think about all kinds of things. One thing I have been thinking about recently is something that people have said across the last 32 months. I know I am not the only person to have lost someone who people have said this to, but I have been thinking recently about it and I am not sure how I want to interpret it. People say, "Oh, she is looking down on you from above and watching over you". Now, this is comforting, yes, but I can't find a reference to this in the Word. I think the Lord is watching over me, I think He is keeping me safe... do I think Sydney is.. I don't know? I don't know how heaven works; I haven't been there yet! I just know that I can't find anything that says our loved ones we have lost are watching over us- If you are more scripted in the Word than me, and that isn't hard, then please let me know if you know of somewhere that it says this. I think people say it because they know that you are grasping at straws for hope, or whatever... And I am definitely one of those people who is grasping many days... but without seeing it anywhere it just has made me wonder. I don't think it changes anything- I still miss Sydney either way, and I can't wait until we are reunited, but it's just something I have been thinking about. The only other thing I am going to post here that is on my heart and on my mind right now is a link to my March of Dimes, March for Babies website. I have gotten so involved across the last 32 months. I am on the Family Team Council here in Jacksonville. I get to work with other moms and families who have lost children and/or have had premature children and they have had support from The March of Dimes. The Family Team Council helps all the family teams that do the March for Babies- we help come up with fundraising ideas, we try and support the new families who are walking for the first time, we do a March of Dimes 'Bundles of Love' deliver with the local hospitals... those are bags we deliver to the NICU's with some necessities to the parents who find themselves unexpectedly in the NICU. Those are just a few of the things the Council does, and it has been so great meeting these women and knowing that I always have someone to talk to who knows how I feel. I have been volunteering with them on the Council as well as with some other events. It's nice to have something to do to throw my energy into :) The March for Babies is the main fundraising event for The March of Dimes. I have set my personal goal at $2500 and the other folks who are joining me on my 'team' are setting goals and helping team "love to last a lifetime..." raise at least $3500! What can you do? If you can donate, please do. If not, please pray for the folks who are considering donating, please pray for the team members who are joining me, please pray for me as I continue to ask people to support me and share my story, or better yet, find your local chapter of March of Dimes and walk in your city!! my webpage to donate is: www.marchforbabies.org/sydneycarolinemurphy For those of you who have continued to pray for me, thank you. Please keep it coming! I continue to try and stay positive, I continue to learn about myself, I continue to learn how I can help other folks through my story, I continue to learn who I am, I continue to learn who my friends are, I continue to learn what is good for me, I continue to miss Sydney, I continue to strive to be the best Christian I can be... I continue to struggle to be happy all the time, I continue to struggle to help others in different aspects, I continue to struggle to accept who I am as I learn that, I continue to struggle with friendships, I continue to struggle with doing the right things for me and no one else, I continue to struggle to be the best Christian I can be.. This year will be three years... that is so crazy to me... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 7, 2011 Today would be Sydney’s 2nd birthday~ Can you believe it’s been two years? Some days it feels like my life flipped upside down yesterday and some days it feels like it was eons ago. I guess that’s normal. Although I have discovered lately that I am not sure what normal is when it comes to losing a child.
Everyone who has been through loosing a child reacts so differently. My family and I laugh and joke about what Sydney would or wouldn’t like as a 2 year old… We still pick things out shopping we think she would look cute in… We think about and talk about what she would be like a lot. I am not sure if that’s normal, morbid, weird, or just flat out creepy to some people, but it makes me happy to talk about her so I don’t care what other people think. That being said, however, I do think that some people aren't sure what to ask, or if they shold talk about her, or if they are tired of heraring me talk about her - that adds a whole different dimension to when and how I speak about Syd. I don't ever want to make anyone uncomfortable, but she is such a part of my life that if you know me, you will know about her; I am not sure that the topic is all together kosher for everyone, but again, to that I just basically think, who cares! :)
As an update for what is going on in my life for those that follow this and don’t know me well; I really don’t have a lot going on :) Just two big events: 1) I started a new job in March 2011 with a company based in Miami. I am still working from Jacksonville and my home office here- I love the company and the job I have and it was a nice change and absolutely without a doubt Godly timing on when the opportunity came. 2) My sister, Shannan, is pregnant! Sydney will have a cousin come late September/early October. It’s a girl, Delainey Harper. For those of you wondering, and who want to ask if that’s been hard for me, yes, of course it has. I am over the moon excited for my sister and Jeff, but of course it hurts my heart knowing that Sydney doesn’t get to play with her cousin. I know that I will have more children one day and I can’t wait to have a cousin that Delainey gets to play with!! As I have thought about posting for Sydney's birthday and what to post, its been hard thinking about my emotions, what I feel, how I feel... I am a happy, helthy person generally! I have very few days where I still cry, but then of course I have days where I cry three times a day (like this week :) ). I think a lot about what my lofe would be like if I had a two year old... Would I have gotten my new job? Would I be working from home? Would it be easier or harder to date (but if I am being honest its tough either way!) Would I have had the opportunities to do the things I have done in the last two years? Would I have met some of the people I have met? I know the Lord has a plan for my life and I will not question that; I just wish his timing and my timing were more in synch... OK, fine, I wish I was patient enough to wait on his timing..
As you can imagine knowing me, I still get inspired by music. I still think a lot of songs apply to me directly- one that I think has been out a while but I just recently heard is called Blessings by Laura Story. The chorus is all I will post here, but if you haven’t heard it I encourage you to Google it! The song applies to all situations in my life, not just Sydney- and I believe you will think there are things in your life where it applies as well. “What if your blessings come through raindrops, What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights is what is takes to know you’re near? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?” Now, after I finished listening to the song and stopped crying, it brought me back to my life without Sydney.. is it a blessing? God knows what he is doing... did he know I wasn't strong enough to be a single mom? Did he know something was going to happen to her later so he took her in an hour? Did he know that with the other changes I needed in my life and that were coming that I didn't need to have a child? I could go on for days with my questions, but ultimately, HE knows! He knew exactly what he was doing when he didn't let Sydney live- but GOSH I wish I knew why.... I know its not a punishment for me, but I can't think of it as a blessing either; so I just stare up and chalk it up to a loss and continue to try adn figure out what direction he wants me to go. John chapter 9 verses 1-3 tell me that... "As he went along, he saw a blind man from bith. His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents that he was born blind?' "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." I do truly believe Sydney's lilfe and death have shown me, and many others, the work of God and will continue to do so, but I need a big red arrow pointing me on my path and he hasnt shown me that just yet J
I always wonder about Sydney in heaven and what she must be doing.... I recently got a glimpse into that when I read “Heaven is for Real." It's a book that talks about a 3year old who dies on an operating table and goes to heaven for a period of time during his surgery but survives. If you haven’t read it DO IT! It’s amazing… One part of the book that struck me and that I hold my whole hope in is when the book talks about children in heaven. They are held with a high regard- they are so well taken care of, and you know them when you see them in heaven. I will know her! How exciting is that!! I will continue to hold out hope to see Sydney one day, I will continue to follow the path the Lord leads me on, I will continue to be emotional, I will continue to talk about Sydney, I will continue to believe in Gods will and purpose for both of us.
“I loved you the minute I heard you were coming. I loved you the minute you were born. Then I saw your face and fell in love some more. You were only a minute old, but I knew I would die for you and to this day I still would. When you choose to have a child you make a decision to allow your heart to walk around outside of your body.” How true this is and I wouldn’t change it for anything J
Happy Birthday to my sweet Sydney Caroline!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- November 13, 2010 OK, so it isn’t the 7th like it normally is when I post, but there has been some stuff on my heart the last week and I just didn’t get around to posting… so here I am. Things are okay with me. As always, I have my ups and downs, I have good days and bad days, I cry myself to sleep some nights because Sydney isn’t here- I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing with my life now… I think a lot about grieving a child I never even knew and I just can’t figure out how to do that…. I think that is partially what is holding me back on my journey to move forward. I did have someone ask me “when do you think you will be over this?”. After I calmed myself down from wanting to punch that person I realized again, that I wont ever be ‘over this’ I will move on, yes, but never “over it”. You know I read a lot, and I read a story I want to share – it hit home :) Where am I going? How do I get there? Wondered the Traveler as she stared at the desolate road that seemed to slither endlessly through the dark, barren valley. Instinctively she knew she must travel this route, though she yearned for another. Accompanied by Loneliness and Uncertainty, Traveler hesitated, then stepped onto the road. Her mood reflected the thundering sky as she trudged forward. Several miles into her journey, the sky was nearly black. “I’m so weary, I cant go on!” she moaned as she rounded the bend. To her amazement, she saw a moving figure in the distance. She squeezed Uncertainty’s hand as she hastened her steps and squinted at the enlarging figure. “Hello! Who are you? Can you help me in my journey?” she shouted. To her surprise, the figure stopped. Traveler edged closer and sensed that something significant was about to happen. The figure turned and thrust a weathered, calloused hand into Traveler’s. The person’s grip was firm and confident, as if to communicate, “I’ve been on this road a while and I know where I am going.” “I’m Mentor!” “Nice to meet you, Mentor! I’m Traveler. Have you been on this journey long?” Mentor nodded as she wiped the perspiration from her brow. I’m familiar with this road,” she said as she gazed deep into Traveler’s eyes. “Looks like you could use some company. Do you want to walk with me for a while?” Traveler sighed. A sense of calm flooded her soul as she paced her stride with Mentor’s. She felt free to laugh, to cry, to share, and to probe for answers to her questions. Miles after mile the duo trekked on. With each step Traveler felt more confident. Hearing about the battles won, the lessons learned, and the mistakes made in Mentor’s journey was like healing balm on the wounds of her heart. When Traveler stumbled and fell, Mentor quickly helped her up again. “You can make it!” cheered Mentor. With renewed hope Traveler got back up and forged ahead, making sure to follow in Mentor’s footsteps. Night descended on the twosome and fear taunted Traveler. “Hold on, don’t let go! I’ll lead you!” Mentor exclaimed. Though weary, Traveler persevered and pressed on behind Mentor through darkness to the sunrise. The morning rays of sunshine revealed Others walking beside Traveler. Where did they come from? She wondered. Normally, Traveler would have ignored them, but something within her urged her to start a conversation. She was amazed to discover that she and the Others had much in common. Traveler hastened her pace and was surprised at the confidence she felt. Maybe I am stronger because I am not alone in my journey, she thought. I have someone in front of me to guide me and others beside me to relate and to encourage me. What more could I need? wondered Traveler. As if on cue in response to her though, a scream pierced the air. “Hello! I’m lost and I don’t know where I am going. Will you help me?” Immediately Traveler stopped, turned and looked at the path behind her. She knew what she must do. ----- Maybe I thought my journey with grief was going to be over after I read one book, talked to some friends, went to a counseling session... I wish that were true. It may get easier, and at times I might not even think about my loss and I may be the person leading and walking beside others… but I will not be surprised when I experience and outburst and find myself retracing my steps and crying out for help. My road through grief is personal. It is a continuous journey. The scenery may change through the years and I may become wiser, but I know I need to be gentle with myself. I need to give myself permission to give and receive support and guidance. God often teaches us more lesson when we think we’ve learned everything we possibly could about our loss. His desire is that I press on toward eternity with truth in my heart and hope in my step. Maybe its time to ask God to use my loss for good. He knows exactly where I am in my journey and will provide the right people to help me grow. If I just keep looking around, God will show me who they are and will give me the courage and wisdom to reach out. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41.10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 7, 2010 Happy First Birthday Sydney Caroline!!
Has it really been a year already? Again, as I have said before in other posts and in conversations with many of you, in one moment it seems as though it was yesterday that I had Sydney and in the next breath it feels like it was light years ago. What a tough week this has been. I had no idea how I was going to feel physically and emotionally as we got closer to July 7th this year- and thankfully, no one expected me to. Physically, if it’s possible my heart literally hurts… Emotionally, I have cried on and off for weeks more frequently than I have in months. I so wish things were different but overall I think I have held up pretty darn well ☺ I have been praying about what to post on Miss Sydney’s birthday and I heard something on the radio the other day that made the light bulb go off… it is me to a T the last few weeks, and especially the last few days. It’s a song by Sidewalk Prophets called “The Words I Would Say’ – if you know me well, you know I don’t sleep well on most nights, and as you can imagine not much at all lately… so this song rings very true to heart (I definitely recommend you listening to it on their site if you haven’t heard it I had heard it a million times, but the other day I just started sobbing). The part that hits home with me goes: Three in the morning, and I’m still awake, so I picked up a pen and a page- I started writing just what I’d say, if we were face to face… I’d tell you just what you mean to me, I’d tell you these simple truths… Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope- you’re gonna do great things, I already know. God’s got his hand on you so don’t live life in fear, forgive and forget but don’t forget why you’re here- Take your time and pray... these are the words I would say.
Now, I of course know that Sydney and me thinking about that song for my newborn daughter isn’t where Sidewalk Prophets were taking that song- but that’s why I love music so much – it means so many things to so many people! I could sit here and type so many songs that have moved me across the last year/month/week/day- but that would be no fun for all of you… just know that music has played SUCH an important role in my healing this year. I am reminded daily that it is through our suffering, our trials, and our wounds that God’s glory is often revealed. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed… therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4: 6-9; 16-18. So many people across the last year have told me they don’t believe they would have handled loosing a child well- wouldn’t have reacted like I seemed to have, with grace and an overwhelming calm about me most of the time… I say to this day, as I said 365 days ago, it is not me who has handled this well; it is the Lord through me.
Unadorned clay pots. Vases with cracks. Earthenware jars with chips and dings and flaws. People with troubles, perplexities, weaknesses, traumas, and fear. That’s all we are without God. But with God we are soo much more. We are people with a treasure inside, and the value of the treasure is beyond price, reckoning, or comprehension. We are men and women with God’s glory at work in us. His work doesn’t entail removing our weaknesses or hardships. No, His work is displayed as He releases His divine power through our weaknesses.
When life is hard and God is in us… our broken places can become the windows where His glory shines through.
When life is hard and God is in us… we who are broken pots become trophies.
When life is hard and God is in us… we can rest assured that somehow, in some way, He will bring His redeeming value to bear in our lives. Peter, who had a few dings and cracks of his own sums it up nicely:
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. 1 Peter 4:12 The longer I have gone through this, the more I am convinced that there is no pain so deep or pervasive that God cannot heal, if a heart is open to Him. I will continue to praise Him through this tragedy, I will continue to lift His name. He knows the number of tears I have cried across the last year, and he knows how many will come today, on Sydney’s First Birthday… but He also knows what is to come for me and where this journey is going to continue to take me… I am not going to question Him. I am going to continue to honor my daughter, I am going to continue to grow, I am going to continue to grieve the way I know how… and the rest is up to him. I love you Sydney Caroline- Happy Happy Birthday! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- April 7, 2010 Sorry it has been a few months since I posted. I know you like to read about how I am doing, what I am feeling and where this journey is taking me… As I said ,I believe in the last post, if the Lord doesn’t lay anything on my heart on or around the 7th, I don’t post. This month, 9 months later, I have a lot to say…. I will go ahead now and apologize for the length of this post- it has been a few months and the Lord decided I needed to tell you all kinds of things! For starters, if you that don’t know me well and just read my updates or don’t already know, I GOT A JOB! I will be doing inside sales for a company that sells educational products to schools/districts etc. It will be here in Jacksonville, so this is home sweet home for sure for a while. I started this week and I am really excited about the opportunity. I have decided this is going to me the year of Lindsay! How exciting is that going to be?! :) It cant get worse! As I look back over the last nine months, or even the last 9 weeks or last 9 days, my heart is still so broken. There are days that Sydney is not my all consuming thought, but there is never a day that I don’t think about July 7th and how amazingly perfect my daughter was/is. I haven’t posted a lot of song lyrics or song suggestions on here because I just think its easier to hear a song that you love rather than someone tell you a song they love that you are supposed to immediately go listen to… well this time is different :) I heard a song that I wanted to share because it really explains what I have been feeling and thinking. It is a Danny Gokey song- and if you don’t already know this, I love him and think he needs to be my husband! :) (feel free to make fun of me, but I adore him!) The song is one he wrote for his wife when she passed away. A different kind of loss, but the words still apply. The song is called “I Will Not Say Goodbye” – I highly recommend you go to his site and listen to it because the lyrics and music together are so much more affective, but here are the words: Sometimes your world just ends It changes everything you’ve been And all that’s left to be Is empty, broken, lonely, hoping I’m supposed to be strong I’m supposed to find a way to carry on And I don’t wanna feel better And I don’t wanna not remember, I will always see your face In the shadows of this haunted place I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky But I will not say goodbye They keep saying time will heal But the pain just gets more real The sun comes up each day Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying, If I can keep on holding on Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you’re gone And I don’t wanna feel better I don’t wanna not remember I will always see your face In the shadows of this haunted place I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky But I will not say goodbye I will curse, I will pray, I will re-live everyday I will show through the blame I’ll shout out your name I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fist at the sky But I will not say Will not say goodbye I will not say goodbye I will not say… -------- I think everything that he sings in the song is so applicable to me- but I also know that God only gives us a glimpse of his glory when we need it the most- and I am in that spot now! He doesn’t show us his amazing glory when things are great, when all is well, not when our path is covered with sunlight and flowers, but rather when its dark, when we are afflicted, we plans fall apart, when circumstances try to squeeze the life out of us, when hell seems near, when we’re obeying God’s voice-even in our weakness and discouragement, when we’re standing against the majority to fight for what is right, when we’re choosing to believe in-spite of a deep longing to throw in the towel, when life feels like one long string of mistakes, when we’re enduring difficult people who make false accusations or don’t seem to care, when we’re prying our fingers off of whatever it is we are holding on to so that we can open our hands to receive what God wants to give us. Paul faced many such situations. Perhaps that’s why he experienced glimpses of God’s glory on so many occasions. It gave him he courage to endure; it gave him strength to persevere in crushing circumstances. He writes, “We do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen re temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 The last 9 months have been so long. My afflictions and those shared by my family (and friends) seem anything but ‘light’ or ‘momentary.’ They seem overwhelming and interminable. Its still hard to sleep, its still hard to get up in the morning, my personality is not what it used to be- a trauma like this affects so many things! Paul certainly had his fair share of trauma. There wasn’t anything bad that didn’t happen to that poor man. How did he do it? How did he belt out those songs in the dungeon at Philippi, with his back ripped by bloody ribbons by a Roman whip? What gave him the ability to refer to his troubles as ‘light’ and ‘momentary’? Perspective. Eternal perspective. As he endured unspeakable agonies, Paul rekindled his faith with visions of glories to come. He set his sights forward. He focused on the unseen rather than the seen. That’s what kept him going. And its what can give you and me strength to face another day, too. Glory is on its way. First a few glimpses in our dark circumstances… and then… The Real Thing. Forever! A well known prophet tells us that the angels surrounding the Lord’s heavenly throne call out to one another, saying: ‘Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord of hosts. The whole earth is full of His glory’ Isaiah 6:3 Have you seen it? Have you caught a glimpse of His glory in the darkness of your circumstances? Some people journey through life and completely miss that point. Don’t let that happen to you. Open your eyes. Watch for the time God uses little people to do BIG things. God wants to use you. So keep a lookout J I don’t know about you, but the little glimpse I have had of glory through this is enough to keep this girl going!! I think Sydney would be so amazing to play with at 9 months and so much fun and her little personality would be so amazing (like her momma)- Her smile and laugh would be so fun to see, I would love to see what her developmental progress would be- but those things aren’t anything that she cares about- she is sitting with the Lord and playing in the most amazing place imaginable – for eternity… I love knowing that one day I will be with her again! Happy 9 months! :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- January 7, 2010 Don’t be bewildered or surprised when you go through the fiery trials ahead, for this is no strange unusual thing that is going to happen to you. Instead, be really glad- because these trials will make you partners with Christ in his suffering, and afterwards you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory… So if you are suffering according to God’s will, keep on doing what is right and trust yourself to God who made you, for he will never fail you. –1 Peter 4:12-14, 19 Happy 6 Month Birthday Sydney J I read a story that Billy Graham told about a small boy caught playing with an extremely expensive vase. The little guy had put his hand into it but couldn’t take it out! His father tried his best but it was all in vain. They were thinking gloomily of breaking the beautiful vase when the father sighed and said, “Now son, make one more try. Open your hand and hold your fingers straight out as you see me doing, and then pull.” To their astonishment the little fellow said, “Oh no, Father. I couldn’t put my fingers like that. Because if I did, I’d drop my penny!” Smile if you will, but how many of us are like that, so busy holding onto a fairly worthless penny that we cannot accept liberation. Whether I like it or not, life brings me face to face with people, situations, feelings, and objects that I must release, for my own good. Little deaths come our way every day when we have to let things go, as do feelings of grief. When we are grieving these things and losses, it helps to know that God has good counsel for us. He hasn’t left us hanging. Solomon penned these lines, and it is so much more than poetry! There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace… God made everything beautiful for its own time. He planted eternity in the human heart. -Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, 11 God made everything beautiful in its time. Even the empty spaces. Even the holes. Now that’s a hard concept to believe in my opinion when I am grasping around frantically for the last few strands of whatever may be in my clutches. The pain involved of letting go does not feel ‘beautiful’ to me… its downright miserable. Death is the secret of fruitfulness, and Jesus explains the process: No death, no germination. No germination, no fruit. No fruit, no beauty. For Christ, the analogy was very personal. His death was to become the gateway to life. Without His death, there would be no resurrection… for any of us! The message is personal for me too. It’s a message of hope when life steals from me and leaves me with empty arms. It’s a message of strength when stripped bare and it feels like I am facing the future empty-handed. It’s a message of substance that can fill holes in our soul with promise. God says to us: When you are letting go, remember that I am planting seeds of new life in you. Your grief is only for a season. My end is not death. It is always life. I am the author of life. These are promises that I have to hang on to when I am doing the hard work of letting go. And letting go is certainly hard work. It is often confusing and bewildering. To break away from something or someone that we have been bonded to rips our emotions. It goes against our natural instincts to break bonds. The parting cannot happen without inward bleeding. The greater the bond, the greater the pain. In times of letting go, God is the One we need to run to, because He knows us better than we know ourselves. He is the Specialist who can give us insight into our needs. He is the Chief Guide who can offer direction when we are confused. He is the Caretaker of our souls who can give strength and courage when we are afraid to let go. In the midst of our pain we need to turn to God and say, “God, I need Your help. Give me Your perspective. Let my eyes see as You see. Let my heart hear Your heart. What do You want to accomplish in my life right now? Show me what I need to do to cooperate with You in my healing.” And then, pay very close attention to the people the Lord brings across my path and the situations that present themselves. Because God will be faithful to answer those kinds of prayers… and to put His glory on display. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- November 26, 2009 I know that it has been a while since I wrote an update, but the Lord had not placed anything majorly significant to post- therefore I didn’t J But today of all days I felt that I needed to write something and acknowledge that today is another ‘first’ for me… my first Thanksgiving without my Sydney- she should be here right now, she should be why I am over-abundantly thankful… but she isn’t, and to be honest, it has been hard to be thankful...but I am! Thanksgiving according to Merriam-Webster, Thanksgiving is the act of giving thanks; or a prayer expressing gratitude. Today is the day to recognize all the things throughout the year that you tend to push aside and not appreciate. This year, if nothing else, has taught me to be grateful for what I have every day and to thank the Lord my God every day for those things. You never NEVER know when they may be gone. A paradox, among other things, is a statement that seems contradictory. In the last several months I have become very aware of the “opposites” that coexist in my life. My experience has brought new meaning to the paradoxes I’ve read in Scripture the last however many years I have been a Christian. Life on this planet is bittersweet. Joy and sorrow are inseparable. In the last 4 months my world has been opened to a whole new group of people I was not nearly as sensitive to before – those that have gone through this have stolen my heart. They have taught me about love and to take nothing for granted. I have never felt as much grief as I have felt in the last 4 months-yet in all truth, I have never tasted such pleasure in the simple things in life. I’ve despised those moments of feeling vulnerable and powerless; I much prefer to feel in control. But I am learning- oh so slowly, it seems- that control is really an illusion. The bottom line? I don’t have to make my life work out. Even the strange, unplanned, and those things we call mistakes can harmoniously weave together for good in God’s great plan. Never have I felt so weak. Never have I felt so strong. Since Sydney has arrived and been taken from us, not only have I had her funeral, but I have had a few of my own other personal losses… the death of my agenda for life… the death of my dream for a healthy baby (right now)… the death of a few relationships… the death of certain, once cherished ideas in my head…. Clearly I have had times when my own soul felt dead. But in the same breath I can truly say that I have never felt more alive. New life is springing up in me everywhere in the sodden ashes of the old. I sense new vitality when I am with my family, and new friends, and trying to be where God leads me to be I am more at home with myself and with others than I have been in a while. Acceptance and gratitude have found deep roots in my soul. I have fresh confidence that I am where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. And if God wants me in a different place, He’ll orchestrate things to get me there. Joy in sorrow. Strength in weakness. Light in darkness. Life in death. Angels behind rocking chairs. In his signature on our lives…. I have so much to be thankful for this year, even if I am not necessarily feeling the most thankful. I have an amazing family who I love more than anything in the world; I have an amazing group of friends who are the best a person could ask for; I have my health; I have a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head; I have a hot meal on Thanksgiving, and every night; I am so blessed! Many have said to me still- I do not know how you do it…. You have such strength. It is not me with the strength; it is the Lord MY God who lives in me who gets me through everyday. So TODAY, and everyday- I am thankful for him. I love my Sydney and I am so thankful for her today (and ALWAYS) for the things she has taught me and the things I know she will continue to teach her mommy J “….Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, yet possessing everything.” 2 Corinthians 6:10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- October 7, 2009 “I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances may be. I know now how to live when things are difficult and I know how to live when things are prosperous. In general and in particular I have learned the secret of… facing either plenty or poverty. I am ready for anything through the strength of the One who lives within me.” Philippians 4: 11-13 3 months…. Really? Sometimes I think it’s been the longest three months of my life, and other days I think it has gone by so quickly that I cannot believe it was three months ago. The trials that I have been through in the last few months have been ridiculous. I have tried so hard to maintain my faith during all of this and I am certain the Lord is challenging me to not always look back, to not point fingers, to not blame. He has bigger directives than that- and He would faithfully accomplish His plans in my life if I would let him—so that is what I am trying to do. I am choosing to believe in spite of the circumstances. God will have the final say in my life if that is truly the dominant desire of my heart- and it is. But right now, all I want to do is look back, all I want to do is have something/anything to blame… it seems I have cried more tears than the ocean will hold…. I read about this thing that the Egyptians do. In Egyptian tombs they have found various artifacts and one of them is something called a lachrymatory, or ‘tear bottle.’ The custom in ancient times was for friends to take tear bottles with them when they visited those who were ill, or in great distress. As tears ran down the cheeks of the sufferer, friends caught those tears in a bottle and then sealed and preserved them as a memorial of the event… I find this to be very curious. There is a part of me that wants nothing more than to forget the whole thing ever happened. I would rather give the joys of life more prominence in my mind than sorrows. But David says God sees things differently (that David was very wise- he keeps coming up in the stuff I am continually learning). God takes great care in remembering. So as I sit and remember the last three months, I wonder what Sydney is doing up in Heaven with her Creator. I think a lot about what she says to Him, or what her prayers are at night to Him as he rocks her to sleep, or what He says to her about me… is she really watching over me? I truly think the answer is no. I believe there are different angels for that, but I think she knows who I am, and I think she prays for me every night. I so wish I knew what her voice sounded like so I could truly imagine her praying this to the Lord, ‘Thank you for giving me my mommy and for giving me this mission I had on earth. Thank you for helping mommy when she doesn’t know what to do. Thank you for helping her when she is so tired and afraid. You are changing her. She is softer, more kind and more understanding. My sadness and my pain has made her more like you. This mission I had on earth is so much bigger than her and it makes me tired too. Good night Lord, we’ll start fresh and watch her again some tomorrow.’ I miss her so much every day. But the Lord says, ‘Don’t be bewildered or surprised when you go through the fiery trials ahead, for this is no strange, unusual thing that is going to happen to you. Instead be really glad- because these trials will make you partners with Christ in his suffering, and afterwards you will have the wonderful joy of sharing his glory… So if you are suffering according to God’s will, keep on doing what is right and trust yourself to God who made you, for he will never fail you.” I Peter 4:12-14,19 God, my arms are empty. I have nothing to show for my loss and it sees so unfair. I didn’t expect things to turn out this way. You could have saved my Sydney, but You didn’t. You are the One who understands and sees the big picture, even if I don’t. please take my cup of suffering and walk with me through my pain. Wrap Your arms of understanding and comfort around me. Fill my empty arms with Your hope and salvation. Amen. Can you believe my lil monkey is 3 months old today? J I love you Sydney -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- September 24, 2009 “We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 I have believed all of my life, and I believe now, that God is in control of everything. This was how He wanted things to be. I am certain there are things for me to learn and to accomplish for the Lord here. Otherwise he would not have put me in this place. I feel like bitterness is a natural emotion, and although I know there is bitterness and anger in my heart and mind, ultimately it is only hurting me. I know I need to pray and let God remove it so that I can press on… and I need to remember that this is all ultimately designed for the Lord to use me in the way he sees fit. I read that there are three main truths in Nehemiah. I know what you’re thinking because I thought the same thing… Who? Where? It’s in the Old Testament and only 13 books long but there are significant lessons about godly leaders. First, Nehemiah’s opportunity came in God’s time, not his own. Second, Nehemiah diligently prepared his mind and his heart so he would be ready when God’s time arrived. Third, Nehemiah needed to be prepared to take on the problems, doubt and adversity that would come his way both outside and from within. The third thing is what I believe is the hardest for me. It is not the outside influences that will get me- it will be me doubting me and doubting the Lord…. I figure my choices right now and from the start have been to complain and hate God, or to look ahead and figure out a way to make myself get up every day, shower, do something, and start to move on. That has obviously been the hardest thing to accept during all of this. I don’t want to accept it, I don’t want to be the one going though this, I don’t want to be the one who can handle it, and I definitely don’t want to hate God… I can’t. This year has truly shaped my attitude and heart. If this had happened even a year ago I would have probably been more devastated than I am. Now, however- as I am sure will happen many more times in my future- I am trying to see this as God moving me to where He wants me to go. God’s definition of success is really one of significance- the significant difference our lives can make in the lives of others. This significance doesn’t show up in the amount of children we have, the number of trophies we have on our shelves, the amount of money in our bank accounts, or what our resume looks like. It is found in the hearts and lives of those we’ve come across who are in some way better because of the way we lived. If that is the main purpose of Sydney’s death- so that one person reads what I write here and questions their faith, or gets shaken to their core and makes them a stronger Christian, or it brings up questions they have never thought of about what they believe and their faith- GOOD! If this whole situation has taught me anything it is that life is short and to never ever take for granted the time you have with those that you love and those you think you hate. Personally, my resume is done and I am trying to find a job now- I am trying to get back into the real world and be a normal functioning person again. I know that I will get back into a job and company that I love and where I can start a new career and be successful with work and get that aspect of my life back—and of course I want the other things I had in DC as well- I want to have friends down here, I want to have any kind of social life (other than with my parents and my sister/brother-in law- no offense to them) – and I have no doubt that those things will all come back together and will all be back to my definition of a successful life… BUT…We will be successful in Gods eyes if we do the things that glorify him… and I want to be that person. I am trying to be that person. I am not sure what all it entails, but the more I pray, the more I read, the more I study the Lord the more clear to me all of that will become…. Thank you for the continued notes of encouragement you send- and thank you for the contnued prayers. Please continue to pray for my family and me. We all still struggle with questions daily, I still cry almost every day (and I am sure they aren’t too far behind me on that one), I still sit in her room daily, I still pick out her little outfits some days, I still look through all my pictures every day, I still so desperately want to have her here… but like I said at the start of this post I am following the path that the Lord has laid out, no matter how hard it is, and no matter how differently I wish it was…. Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- September 9, 2009 You know, grief is a funny thing. People are all so different and you never know how one person may handle grief verses another. They say, whoever “they” are, that there are 7 stages of grief. Shock and Denial; Pain and Guilt; Anger and Bargaining; Depression, Reflection and Loneliness; The Upward Turn; Reconstruction and Working through; and last but not least Acceptance and Hope. Everyone goes through these at different times, and some people don’t go through all seven. I add one more of my own to this list. Self-Absorption. Anyone who has suffered loss from an unpredictable turn of events like I did with Sydney is going to struggle with introspection and self-absorption, at least for a season. I believe it is built into the grief process. I have tried to be consciously aware of this. Although I could talk about Sydney all day every day, I know that most people can only handle so much because it is SO hard to hear… I know that, but I do find myself talking about it a lot- and try to change the subject and let others tell me what is going on with them. I know people want to be there for me, and my family etc, but sometimes it is so nice to hear what is going on with other people to take my mind off of everything. Sometimes ya just need to hear someone else’s drama! Ha!! Anyhow, I digress. I have decided I am at the Acceptance and Hope stage… I have felt a little of all of them in the last two months but right now that is where I land. I am not sure where it came from or what exactly I am accepting aside from potentially just the fact that it happened. I have always heard and quoted the Serenity Prayer, “God- Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” We have all heard that at some point right?! I think I finally get it J I have started trying to read a lot again. For those of you that know me well, you know I went through about a book a week when I was in DC and traveling a lot… between the Metro in DC and being on 5 hour plane trips across the country every two weeks, I did a lot of reading. Some of the books were fun and personal choices, some were work professional books, some was work reading in general—and sometimes I just slept on planes with some good music on the iPod! So needless to say, I am happy to be getting back to that- it was something I so much enjoyed. One thing I read last week on the plane trip up to DC has several stories in one, but part of the book talked about acceptance. I am choosing to accept a new destination… Being in a tug of war with the events or circumstances in our life does not change things. What is, IS. Trying to escape or leave the present doesn’t help either, but acceptance does. I read a story that was written by Emily Perl Kingsley and she says it beautifully. She begins by saying that when you are going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation. Then as the wheels of the jumbo jet touch down, you awaken from your slumber and hear a cheery flight attendant saying, “Welcome to Holland.” “HOLLAND?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I am supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy” But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place. So you must go out now and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a while new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there a while and catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” And the pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend all your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the special, and very lovely things about Holland.---- I went back up to DC for two weeks to go to a wedding, see some friends and grieve with them- they were my family for the first 5 months of this before I moved back to Florida. While there I had a lot of time to think about this “unintended Holland trip” – and what I really came to the conclusion of was that nothing matters right now other than this is my ‘special occasion.’ Acceptance and gratitude have found deep roots in my soul. I have fresh confidence that I am where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. And if God wants me in a different place, He will orchestrate things to get me there. God remembers. He keeps track. He remembers every sleepless night. He remembers every prayer, every groan, and every heartache too deep for words. God remembers. That single thought changed David’s fear-ridden, trembling words into a brand-new, confident declaration. Following that pivotal thought David says: “Fearless now, I trust God… God, you did everything you promised, and I am thanking you with all my heart. You pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. Now I stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life” God is not partial. What he did for David, He does for you and me. He remembers. When no one else knows we are suffering, God does. He is with us, sitting by our side, catching the tears that roll off our cheeks. No sorrow goes unnoticed. In Gods economy all suffering can serve eternal purpose. The tears are carefully collected, sealed, and saved as a memorial by our Father in Heaven. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- August 25, 2009 So I have been told that people follow this to see how I am doing and what’s going on in my life and what I am thinking about and thinking through- who knew? J I am doing okay I guess… I had my six week check-up with my doctor and physically I am doing fine… we are still running a few tests to verify some things, but I am well and healthy. Emotionally everyday is still different. I still have trouble sleeping without her here, I still have days that I don’t want to get out of bed, but in the same breath I am starting to feel like I am ready to get back into the real world and do something- anything! I have been keeping myself busy seeing family and friends and will do so for another few weeks, but I think at that point I will be ready to figure out the looming question of ‘what’s next.’ I think that it will help me to get back into a routine and into my own life and stop living in one big nightmare. It will be a slow transition I am sure, but I think in the larger scheme of things it will help a lot to try and be normal again. As I look back at the last 7 weeks I wonder so often ‘why’ and ‘what if?’… But then I stop myself and ask why ask why? I am not sure that I will ever stop asking, and I am not sure that I will ever get an answer. But I know that I cannot question God. Without questioning him I believe I can still think through the why’s of life. I have thought a lot about why this happened to me. I have had so many people say that only someone with my character and faith could handle this- and I am strong enough to handle it etc… well I would have never said I was strong enough to handle this and wish that I didn’t have to know I was. I guess I just go to the fact that I know that God doesn’t want to see his children suffer, but what if the reason they are suffering is because they were outside the will of God to begin with. As most of you know I am not married and haven’t ever been, so I was going to be raising Sydney as a single mother. So I have to wonder if this happened because I was not following God’s perfect will for me in the first place when I got pregnant outside the realm of marriage. That has been one theory that I have thought through- so with me already being outside his perfect will, if he knew that I needed to be back on track what if this is why… so that he can still see his perfect will be done in me; and she wasn’t a part of it? I suppose that is one theory… Various authors have written about the Will of God- one thing I read that applies tonight is that “Inside the will of God there is no failure. Outside the will of God there is no success”– so is that the case? I haven’t found a verse really saying that exactly, but the Bible does talk a lot about his perfect will for his children. We all have free will and although God wants us to choose the correct path- he is not forcing any of us into the decisions we have made in the past or are making every day… If that statement I read is true, wouldn’t it make sense that no Christian ever start the day without earnestly praying “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven’ as we start every day? Would each of us make different decisions if we thought more about that verse as we make the decisions we make daily? I will have peace about this at some point, I trust in the Lord fully and know that he will provide me with the answers he wants me to have, and until then I will continue to try and live the life he wants for me, and that I want for myself (I mean, I don’t know what it is, but if that’s where the Lord wants me, it’s gotta be good right!?) Please continue to keep my family and me in your prayers. We all struggle with daily tasks some days, we all struggle with the question of why, we all struggle to find a way to move on- and although we know that it will come it still isn’t easy right now. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- August 11, 2009 This week has been really hard…I can’t even believe how much my heart hurts. I don’t feel like me on some days...I feel like my personality has changed... My whole life has changed; and it has. Sometimes I think that we are all allotted only a certain amount of tears and I wonder when mine might stop and when I will find the things funny that I used to find hilarious... I know that it is so normal to be this sad but I hate how this makes me feel right now. I am not supposed to be bored during the day right now- I am supposed to be playing with Sydney, learning her personality and learning what her different cries are. I am supposed to be not sleeping because I have a newborn waking me up every two hours to eat… not because I can’t sleep because she isn’t waking me up. I have so much support and love around me, but I have never felt this alone in my while life. I miss her every second of every minute of every hour of every day… The Lord and lots of time will help me heal and help me move on and start again, but right now I just don’t even know where to start. What I am sharing in this update is a book written for Sydney from us (well, actually written by Aunt ShaSha). Each message was written with a bible verse; so that is how I am going to type it here… -Because of you, our family rejoiced, held hands and prayed... and Uncle Jeff bought you your first teddy bear. Psalm 139: 15-16, “…when I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book…” -Because of you, we shared the good news with family… and we laughed and cried. I John 3:18, “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongues but with action and in truth.” -Because of you, Grammy and Aunt Sha Sha drove 12 hours to find out you were a girl… and you got your first pink dress! Psalm 139: 13, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb.” -Because of you, a room was painted in bright orange, hot hues of pink and lime green… and Grandy sat in your chair waiting on you. I Corinthians 2:9, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” -Because of you, mommys best friend flew all the way from Sudan to meet you… and you didn’t disappoint! Hebrews 10:25, “Let us not give up meeting together…but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” - Because of you, we stood together as a family in a hospital room crying… and we lifted our hands to the Lord. Mark 10:14, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” -Because of you, Jesus died on a cross so that you might live… and praise God you do! Matthew 5:8, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” I Corinthians 15:52, “…in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.” Dear sweet Sydney, Because of you, our lives forever changed the early morning of July 7, 2009. You were the most beautiful creation I’d ever seen, or held, or touched. You are one-of-a kind, a treasure from Heaven, chosen for His special plan. Because of HIM, we will see you again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ August 7, 2009 The last 10 months of my life have been turned upside down not only once but twice... First on November 6th when i found out I was pregnant, and again one month ago on July 7, 2009 when the Lord took the child I had been preparing for since the moment I found out. I have thought, as I am sure many of you have, "Why did this happen to me? I did everything right... I without question or doubt kept this child; I uprooted my fun-filled life and good job in DC to move back to Jacksonville to be closer to my family and support for both me and the baby... Why me?" My only answer thus far is that Sydney had a better purpose in her life than to be my whole world... and so do I. I have gotten several songs, poems, notes etc sent to me from friends and family this week, and they couldn’t have been better timing – this has been a hard week for everyone in my family –although everyone grieves differently I think we are all getting to the stage where we are getting angry that it happened. Not angry at God, but at the situation… so the things that have been sent were amazingly timed. I am going to share two things with you that have moved me to tears (although lets be honest, that doesn’t take much right now) and are helping me move toward understanding. I know I am not ever truly going to have an answer until I see the Lord, but all the small things that have been sent help so much. The first thing I want to share is a song by Ginny Owens that was sent to me that describes what I have thought a million times in the last month… here is the first verse and chorus of “The Road”: A million miles away from anything familiar - a thousand places that I'd rather be - so I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side - though I find it hard to see though all the suffering in my heart - I know your plan is so much bigger but this small part is all that I can see - and I believe you haven’t left me here to wander- still I can't help but ponder where you're leading me
(chorus)
and I ask why this road - why this way and this load - tell me how far must I go til I see ...til I know why this road The second thing is a poem that was sent to me from a dear sweet friend… I stood in my kitchen crying when I read this poem. It perfectly describes something I have asked myself a thousand times during the last month; although I knew the answer, it was always still a question… I have been a mother since November 6th when I found out my life was going to change forever; and I can't wait for another opportunity to turn my life upside down.... I thought of you today and closed my eyes and prayed to God. I asked “What makes a Mother?” “A Mother has a baby” this we know is true, “but God, can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you?” “Yes, you can,” He replied with confidence in his voice. “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, some only for the day, and some I send to fill their womb, but there is no need to stay.” “I just don’t understand this God; I want my baby to be here.” He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw the tear. “I wish I could show you what your baby is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and hear her say… ‘We go to earth to learn our lessons of love, life and fear. My mommy loved me so much; I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, “Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” “So you see dear sweet one, your child is ok. Your baby was born in My home and this is where she will stay. She will wait for you with Me until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home she will be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother? It’s the feeling in your heart and the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not see you are a mother until their time is done, up here they will realize you are the best one!” Happy One Month Birthday sweet Sydney Caroline J ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- August 4, 2009 I have wondered several times across the last week about what I want to update and write tonight and when I want to post it, do I do it at 4 week mark that falls truly one month later, or do I post it on the 7th since the dates don’t exactly match up correctly; but as this week has progressed and I have thought more about Sydney and the website and exactly what I wanted to share with everyone I decided to post today as well as on the 7th her true one month birthday…. Have you ever just felt like you are living a dream? A nightmare? Living in slow motion? I think that is what our whole family has felt like across the last 4 weeks. But it is our reality. As I have said in a previous posts I am trying to get back to do normal things, to get into a routine of any kind to make me feel human again like paying my bills, fighting with insurance companies, grocery shopping… but I find myself feeling guilty for doing those ‘normal’ things. I feel like I should be at home with a 4 week old – who isn’t at my house… and I can’t even begin to explain how desperately I would rather be at home with a 4 week old than at a movie, or at the pool, or at Target without her. As I go through this reality and life of mine right now, I know that I have most likely not yet hit rock bottom on my emotions, thoughts and feelings about all of this. Yes, I know that it will get easier with the Lord and with time- as I do truly think those are the only two things that can help heal this pain, but it still feels like nothing can help. I know on paper it has only been 4 weeks but I feel like an eternity has gone by; but then in the next minute I feel like I was still pregnant two days ago. I am so thankful that I have the amazing support system that I have, but I also sit here in her room alone at night when I can’t sleep looking around at all of stuff- her crib, diapers, books, toys and all of her clothes (girl had a better wardrobe than her mother! J ) and wonder if and when I will know it’s time to pack them up- how long is too long to keep it all out, how long can I continue to walk past her room every day, is it wrong to never want to take it down, what do I do with the room when its empty? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions other than I will know when I am ready and that’s when we’ll pack it up. Then one day when the Lord blesses me with a family I will get the honor of pulling it all out and remember again my precious Sydney and get just as excited about that baby as I was about her (although knowing the Lord and his sense of humor he will bless me with a baby boy next time- ha). Across the last 4 weeks I have learned a lot, these three things stand out… I am stronger than I ever imagined I would be; Jesus is closer than I ever realized; and I am loved more than I ever knew. So thank you for being my support, thank you for your continued prayer, thank you for letting me share my daughter with you, thank you for the notes, thank you for allowing me to cry to you, thank you for letting me ignore you, thank you for helping me try and be normal, thank you for not asking questions you know I can’t answer, thank you for asking questions about her, thank you for letting me just be me, thank you for honoring my daughter. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 28, 2009 I truly do have the most amazing family. This past weekend was my family reunion on my mothers side of the family… I got to spend all weekend around a group of people who love me and have been praying for me and have done the most amazing things for me across the last 3 weeks. Therefore, this was also one of the hardest weekends thus far because I was around people who love me and have been praying for me and have done the most amazing things for me… They are the people I wanted so badly to introduce Sydney to- but I was there and had pictures and a video and a scrapbook and did get to introduce her to my family – it just wasn’t the way that I thought I would be introducing her. But it was so amazing to be surrounded by the love of family and to see and play with all of little kiddos that my cousins have. I know I am meant to be a mother one day (I know I will always be a mother, but you know what I mean) and this weekend just reaffirmed in my mind how badly I want it. Every day is different emotionally and physically, but I am taking it one day at a time and experiencing something I haven’t done yet without her each day. I sit in Sydney’s room regularly and think about what’s next in my life. So far that has also been the most popular question; although no one really expects me to have an answer, everyone asks. My answer: I have no idea what to do now, and am not really making any life changing decisions yet; I am afraid I wouldn’t make the right decision. The Lord knows what’s next for me and I am going to continue to trust that he will also reveal that to me when he knows I am ready to truly begin again. I believe timing is everything and he will open doors and opportunities he believes are right for me even when I don’t quite get it yet. I am not narrowing down where I will go next or what career is next for me- I have thought a lot about working for a non-profit that helps families that are going through what I have had to endure the last few weeks, but know that I am nowhere near ready to sit in a room with a family going through this; I would be useless to them since I am still grieving. But aside from that I haven’t thought a lot about what’s next. “God didn’t have time to make a nobody, only a somebody. I believe that each of us has God-given talents within us waiting to be brought o fruition” – I saw that this week and thought how true that is. I do believe that God has given each of us a talent that he expects us to use for his Glory. I am not sure which of those specific talents I am supposed to use in the coming days, months, weeks and years as I start my life again; but I trust that as opportunities for starting over present themselves I will know what I am supposed to be doing for Him. As July comes to an end and August begins I am keeping myself busy traveling to see my friends and family and continuing to share Sydney with some people who haven’t had the chance to see me yet, and really meet her. I am looking forward to continuing to see where the Lord takes me, what doors he begins to open (or close) and continuing to share my sweet princess with all of you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
July 21, 2009 Words cannot express the gratitude and thankfulness I have for everyone in my life right now. I know I stated this in last week's update, but the outpouring of support and love from people is so amazing. I have gotten more cards and notes on a daily basis than I have ever gotten in my life, and they continue to come. Each one is so uplifting, and such a blessing... I cry through each one daily as I read them (and re-read them), but walking out and getting the mail is the highlight of many of my days because I know that there is continued love and support and uplifting waiting for me.
This week I want to share with you something that I look at and read daily. My sister found a cross a few days after Sydney passed away and its inscription is something that just hit home for all of us that week. I will keep one of these crosses sitting in my room as it is now, but will also put a matching one in the permanent marker that gets laid with Sydney whenever I get the strength to decide what that will be. My only question to the folks I work with to design it will be, "can we work this cross into it somehow" - and I am sure that we will. The cross has a cut out in the middle with a chain coming from either side holding a heart in the center....
Here is what is inscribed on the cross: "Little I knew that morning, God was going to call your name, in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home. You left us beautiful memories, your life is still our guide, and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again."
Please continue to lift us up in prayer, and sending words of encouragement. For all of us, some days are good days, some days are bad days, but the calm and peace I have around me is one that I know only the Lord can provide. As for me personally: Am I sad daily? Of course. Do I wish that I was sleep deprived because of a newborn- yes. Do I wish I was tired from waking up every two hours to feed a baby? Do I wish I was at home alone with Sydney every day playing with her and getting to know her personality and smile? Every hour of every day I wish those things were true.... but have to trust that this is where the Lord needs me right now; and so no matter how much I question it I trust that he knows better (hes done a better job than I have over the last 30 years!). I am slowly calling people back, I am slowly getting into everyday routines and back to doing 'normal' things -- each day that goes by can only get easier... I have laughed daily, cried daily and expect each day that goes by for a while will continue to hold both emotions until one day the crying stops and is only twice a week; then twice a month; then once a month- and maybe less than that at some point... I am not going to try and figure that out... for now, I sleep with Sydney on my heart, her bear by my side and wake up knowing that it can only get easier the next day. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 14, 2009
As I sit and reflect on the last week of my life it is one that I hope pales in comparison to the pain those of you reading this will ever feel. I have taken 7 of the most difficult walks I will ever take, but know that those are where the Lord needed me to be and there is a divine purpose for each step I have taken with each one, and since each one.
I walked out of the hospital without my baby. I walked into a funeral home to see a tiny casket in which her earthly body would remain. I walked onto the grounds of a cemetery and grave-site I never knew existed but will cherish forever. I walked into my house, Sydney's house, without her. Hours later got up the strength to walk into her room without her. I walked back into that funeral home 2 days later to say goodbye to my daughter. I walked back up to that grave-site to celebrate Sydney's life.
On Friday at Sydney's service Tim, my cousin and minister who led the service, said something that I can not get out of my mind (well, he said lots of things I cant get out of my mind, but I am sharing this one!). 7 is the divine number in the bible and is so from start to finish- from Genesis to Revelation. My Sydney was born on the 7th day of the 7th month weighing 7 pounds 11 ounces - and as I thought about the 7 walks I took I know those fall right inline with what Tim said. They were divine walks appointed to me long before I knew I would be taking those steps.
The amount of love and support I have received from people has been something that is overwhelming (in a good way). Words could not even begin to express the gratitude and thankfulness I have for each person that has sent me a note via email, facebook, a card in the mail, on this site, on the Times-Union site, IM, flowers, donations, dinners, lunches, a shared story etc... I don't know what Sydney's purpose in life was and is, but I know that she has already left quite an impression and I cannot wait to see what other things will be revealed to me by the Lord in the coming days and months (and years; and perhaps not at all).There are however some things already beginning to be revealed. We have received partial pathology reports that are answering some questions, I have received some notes that have let me know how my faith though and because of this has impacted someone personally, and I know that I will continue to get any answers the Lord wants me to have in the timing in which He knows I am ready.
Thank you to every person that has been on this site, that has prayed for me and my family, that has cried for (and with) me and my family, and that will continue to do so. The outpouring of love and support is truly a blessing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sydney Caroline Murphy, my precious precious princess, was born July 7, 2009 at 2:54 am and was taken from us and sent to her Creator at 3:55am. She had very late delivery complications and despite the efforts of the wonderful neo-natal nurses and doctors they were not able to save her. She was born with the cord around her neck and had a low heartbeat, but was never able to breathe on her own.
Sydney Caroline weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces and was 21 inches long.
I am doing well all things considered, and am beyond devastated, but trusting in the Lord more than I ever have right now knowing that He has a plan and whether that plan may be understood by me right now, it will be revealed to me in His time. I know those reading this have been praying for me, thinking about me and checking on me often and have been an amazing support from the start of this process and all the changes in my life... I appreciate all your thoughts, support and prayers and please keep them coming as this is clearly the hardest thing I have ever been through (as it is for my entire family).
Thank you for your continued support, but know I am not responding to a lot, and am not really answering my phone-- but your messages, words and encouragement are being read by me and many others in my family and appreciated more than you will ever understand - as you can imagine, my family and I are trying to figure this all out right now....
Below are some scriptures that are helping me through this difficult time, and that have significant meaning in my life:
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. - Matthew 5:4
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:13
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139: 13-14
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| Funeral Information
Graveside services for Sydney Caroline will be held at 1pm on Friday, July 10th at
Ponte Vedra Valley Cemetery
4750 Palm Valley Road
Jacksonville, Florida 32082
| | Show your Support
In lieu of flowers, you may show your support by making donations payable to the Sydney Caroline Murphy Memorial Fund. You may do so by stopping by any Wachovia branch (make sure to specify that the fund is a business account) or sending checks to the following address:
8943 Belle Rive Blvd.
Jacksonville, FL 32256
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